Dr. Leah Olshein, Psy.D., LMFT
is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and post-doctoral candidate specializing in the treatment of anxiety, depression, relationship issues, women’s issues and parenting skills.
Couple Connection
Recent research has found an important variable to relationship stability, the couple’s ability to connect. We often take for granted the importance of something as simple as sharing events of the day. This type of quality time is essential to relationship longevity. Most marriages are surrounded by busy families, leaving connecting with one another to be done in passing or while engaging in distracting chores. These fleeting conversations “about the business” do not qualify as meaningful engagements.
Developmentally, relationships go through phases. In the beginning, there is plenty of time for quality conversations, rich with depth and intimacy. As time passes, we become less preoccupied with one another and take comfort in moments of silence or down time. When a couple becomes a family with young children, there is a drastic change in the amount of time spent together as a couple. During this stage, the parental roles take over and marital satisfaction is at serious risk to plummet. As children grow older, demands on parents decrease, but some couples may continue on a path of disconnect. When children reach adulthood, the empty nest provides ample opportunity for the couple to re-engage. However, if the couple lost touch during the previous phases, they can feel like two strangers, not sure of what to do without the parenting focus. No matter which relationship stage you are in, make it a priority to carve out time together to connect.
Here are some helpful tips:
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Stop, sit, and talk to each other everyday, even if you can only spare 15 minutes. Let the children know you are not to be interrupted during this time unless it’s an emergency. You will be role modeling healthy relationship dynamics.
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Turn off the TV and turn to each other.
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Plan regular dates and be creative. What might have been fun just a few years ago may no longer be satisfying. Research together some new activities to try.
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Recognize what relationship phase you are in, be aware of potential risks for disconnect, and strategize a way to keep each other feeling important.
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Buy a self-help book on how to keep your relationship healthy or seek marital therapy for support and get the ball rolling towards the positive.
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Don’t let arguments contaminate your date night. Let it go until you have time the next day.